| I just realized today, how exhausted and tired I really am from everything-- School, Exams, Friends, Family. Everything I do has been draining energy out of me, leaving me with pretty much nothing. No motivation or really energy to do anything else. The relief I felt after those horrific IB exams are slowly subsiding. I guess, everything that's been haunting me before is slowly coming back again.
Now, after exams, only three more weeks of school left. It actually feels weird going back to class after staying out of school for so long. Not to mention, how slowly each day passes for me now. I actually do wish the days would go by faster. If only I had the power to fast-forward time-- forward my life to a point, some months down the road, or years, even, where all these problems and bad dreams I face now would be gone. How I wish I could do that... On that note, notice how I didn't say REWIND, but instead, fast-forward.
The more I think about it, especially after today, the more of a fool I think I am. What's the point in rewinding when thing are gonna turn out this way eventually anyways? I gotta stop lying to myself the way I have been lying to myself all this time. HOPE. What hope?
Ah. You mean, FALSE HOPE. Didn't I mention this phrase in one of my previous blogs? God, when will I ever learn. Argh. I heard what you said.
Word goes around faster than email around here, we all know that. Yeah, I figured it was way too good to be true-- and here's proof, right infront of my face.
I re-dug the hole much deeper for myself the past week. I've sunk in, completely. Yet again. All those reassurances from friends, all those encouragements, all those advices.. All down the drain. Sorry, guys. I think I understand quite clearly, now.
Yeah, that's fine.
Of course I'm okay with that. I never had a say in any of this in the first place. But, what I dont understand is, why can't you just tell this to me, instead of saying it to my friends, and have me hear it from them?
I'm sure you knew perfectly well that they'd tell me. Was that your plan?
Because if it was, then, "Congrats, it was a success. Saved you lots of time, didn't it?" If this is true, then, stay away from me.
Don't talk to me.
PLEASE.
It's just, I can't be just friends with you. I've tried. It's way too difficult for me.
Brings me more pain to see you than for me to just sit at home and think about you, miss you. I think, now I know how Kyle felt. Feels, rather. He can't be just friends with me anymore, much like the way I don't think I can be just friends with you. And please, don't give me the BS about this is all because you saw me screw up with Terence.
I have explained to you how and why it started in the first place when you asked me about it two weeks ago.
Yeah, I do admit, I screwed up. Like I always do. Like I did with us.
I'm just messed up like that, yeah, I know.
But you do know that I had to end that only because I realized, for the hundredth time, that I am still in love with you, right? Whatever.
None of this matters anymore anyways. At least not to you, I dont think.
Just let me be.
That's that. |
